


Ikigai

by Plwr



Series: Beautiful Words [2]
Category: Taynew, Thai Actor RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:15:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27244057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plwr/pseuds/Plwr
Summary: Ikigai (生き甲斐) noun. "a reason for being"It has been years since New last saw Tay smile. Most of the time Tay just kept to himself but now as New watches his roommate help the person who just moved to the next door apartment, he figures that maybe his friend just needs a push in the right direction.
Relationships: New Thitipoom Techaapaikhun/Tay Tawan Vihokratana
Series: Beautiful Words [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1992124
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	Ikigai

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Jennifer](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/706252) by Bethany Robertson. 



> cross posted on twitter @hereliesmydream

New stares at his friend and roommate Tay with worried eyes. The latter was staring absentmindedly at their living room ceiling again. They had an odd relationship, Tay and him. They did everything together but even New wasn’t sure if they were close. Tay didn’t even talk to him much.

Every morning they sat quietly to eat breakfast. It was always the same, cereal and milk. New wondered if Tay ever got sick of it but he never asked. Tay comes home from work at around 7 in the evening but New always waits for him so they can have their dinner together. They order takeaway from the Chinese restaurant near their place for dinner every other day. On nights when they don’t order, they just reheat the leftover food from the previous night. New wasn’t sure why though because Tay obviously doesn’t like the food much. Some nights they watch television together. New doesn’t care for tv so he lets Tay do his thing switching the channels whenever he wants to. Sometimes Tay settles on a comedy sitcom playing on tv. Tay never laughs though. New despite his growing curiosity still doesn’t ask. Tay is still at his prime at the age of 33. He still has more than half of his life ahead of him. But as New watches him slump on the couch, hugging a pillow to his chest, staring ahead with empty eyes, Tay seems older than his actual age.

New will never forget when the person next door moved in. It was the first day of summer and for some reason New was standing in the hallway of their old apartment building when she first arrived. She was carrying a box arguably bigger than her frail stature. New couldn’t see what she looked like because the box was covering her face. He watched as the new girl struggled to open the door, wobbling from the weight of the box she was carrying. She was going to fall, New thought. So he called out to her and asked if she needed help. She didn’t seem to hear New.

New was about to walk towards her because he was afraid she’d fall when Tay suddenly appeared from the elevator almost running towards her when he saw that the girl was going to fall from all that weight. New chuckled at the sight.

It feels like it has been a very long time since New last saw Tay express anything other than tiredness, let alone his signature panicked face. New saw Tay put one of his hands on the box to help lessen the weight and the other hand unconsciously finding the small of the girl’s back to help her balance herself. They stood in that position for a brief moment before Tay seemingly collected himself, ears starting to redden _“Hey I’m sorry uhm. Would you like some help?”_ he said still holding the box on one hand and supporting the girl’s weight on the other.

_Just like a scene in a crappy romcom movie_ , New thought. _But maybe this is exactly what Tay needs_ , he told himself. New ignored the slight ache in his heart and focused on the fact that it has been a while since he saw his friend show signs of life.

_"Really? Thanks a lot!_ the girl said catching her breath. Tay took the box from her grasp also finally removing his hand from her back in the process. She fumbles with her keys as Tay patiently stands there holding her box. New watches her giggle nervously when she is unable to find her key to the apartment immediately. She was able to open the door after a few minutes after which she breathed a sigh of relief. _"Hey uhm thanks I can take it from here"_ she told Tay. That was when New got a full view of her face- her eyes were brown and doe-like, her hair tied up haphazardly in a ponytail.

_She’s beautiful_ , New thought. Tay passes the box to her but he lingers on her doorstep even as the girl disappears into her apartment.

New observes the events as they unfold, a few moments later, Tay started to turn away and began walking back to their apartment when the woman's voice suddenly chased after him. " _Hey thanks a lot for helping. I really appreciate it. Do you live nearby?"_

_"Uhm... Y-yes.. I should have introduced myself. My name is Tawan, I live on the apartment next door."_ He extends his hand to shake the girl's hand. Tawan. New had not heard him say his given name, or introduce himself to anyone in what felt like forever. It was almost as if New forgot who he was outside of being his roommate Tay.

_"Well. It's nice to meet you Tawan. I'm Namtan"_ the girl said giving Tay an ethereal smile as she reaches out to squeeze his extended hand. Namtan tucks a stray hair behind her ear. They stood there, holding each others hands for a while. I see Tay's lips start to quirk into a small smile before he drops her hand. The touch lingering even as their hands start to separate.

_"Oh uhm, Namtan it was nice meeting you... the box was really heavy.. I am impressed you carried it up to this floor."_ Tay said, his hand subconsciously rubbing his nape. It was a nervous tick of his, New remembers yet he doesn't know how he knew that.

_"You think? Maybe the gym subscription is finally paying off."_ Namtan said laughing. _"That box actually contains all my favorite novels."_ she continued.

_"You like books?"_ Tay said starting to sound a bit excited now. Tay has always loved books.

_"Yup. I even collect first editions. I decided to teach literature so I have an excuse to buy all these books. I start teaching at the nearby university this semester"_ Namtan said. _"My most treasured piece is my complete first edition collection of the Harry Potter Series."_

_"Seriously? You have the first edition collection? I used to look for them so I could add them to my own collection. I loved those books even as a kid"_ there was a lilt in Tay's voice.

_"You know, I'll be happy to loan them to you if you'd like. I mean, I know you've read them but hey reading the first edition brings a different kind of feel."_

_"Really? Thanks!"_ Tay said.

_"I'm not selling them to you though. I'm telling you this early."_ Namtan jokingly said. New observed how easily conversation flowed between the two of them. The wheels in his mind started to turn.

_"You can drop by to see my other collections too. I can tell you like books."_ she continued with a friendly smile. Tay stutters his thanks then asks Namtan if there was anything else he could help with. New decided to just drift away to their apartment as she accepts the offer.

New sat on the couch, contemplating this new development. Tay has been so clearly unhappy for a long time as clearly evidenced by his tendency to keep to himself, eat the same dinner every night and stare into space at random junctures during the day. _He is handsome, considerate and reliable,_ New thought. There is no reason that he should have any difficulty being in a relationship. _Does he like being alone? Was he shy? Perhaps it’s because his default face looks angsty and tired all the time? But he smiled at Namtan earlier?_

Around 2 to 3 hours later, New felt the knob of the door turn. New hears Namtan's laugh as they part, and he caught a glimpse of Tay with a full smile on his face as he opened the door. As Tay enters the apartment, his smile fades. He quietly moves forward to sit beside New on the couch. Tay doesn't say anything, as soon as he was seated Tay sighed and rubbed his temples, he bends forward. New didn't know why Tay's mood changed but he decided not to ask.

New looks at the wall clock. It was only 6 pm and Tay even spent some time at the apartment next door. Why was Tay home early? New wondered but he said nothing. He also sees the calendar hung beside a framed poster of a band that New finds familiar but doesn't quite remember. New sees a red circle on the current date. _Perhaps there was a special event so he went home early to give his mom a call?_ But Tay still wasn't budging from the couch since he sat there more than an hour ago. Tay was just staring blankly ahead and New is starting to get worried. They even missed their usual dinner time.

Just when New was about to stand up and call for food delivery himself, Tay suddenly stood up to get cake from the fridge. New didn't even notice he was carrying that cake home. It was obviously unopened and New facepalmed himself at the thought that Namtan saw Tay carrying this big ass cake yet this man that he calls his friend didn't even offer Namtan any. _We really need to work on this man's flirting skills_ , New thought to himself.

Tay gets a candle from one of the kitchen drawers and puts it on the cake. New still wasn't sure what the event was but it doesn't seem to be Tay's birthday because his mom didn't even call. Tay stared at the cake for a while and New wasn't sure if it was the lighting in the room or if he really saw unshed tears in Tay's eyes. New feels a tightness in his chest. After blowing on the candle, Tay got himself a slice of cake and retired to his own room. New got the feeling that Tay wouldn't mind if he helped himself to a slice too so he did. He was pretty sure that Tay won't even finish this cake. That man doesn't really like sweets. New passes by Tay's room and hears muffled sobbing, he was concerned but Tay doesn't really tell him anything so he decided to just worry by himself and let Tay be as he usually does.

A few days later, Tay enters the house carrying what seems to be a small paper bag. He places it on the table and pulls out a book from the paper bag. It was The Catcher In the Rye and New knows for a fact that Tay already read that book multiple times. Tay pulls off a yellow sticky note from the cover. New sees him smile as he read the note but as he puts it down, his brows creased and he started pacing around the living room. After a while, Tay heaves a deep sigh, then takes the note from the table. Tay stares at it for a moment before walking towards the trash bin, to New's utter shock. Tay hesitates a bit more when he got to the trash bin but ultimately throws the note. Once Tay left, New hurriedly went to where the trash bin was to pick up the discarded note.

> _"Hey thank you for helping me the other day. Let me know if you want to hang out and check my book collection._
> 
> _\- Namtan_
> 
> _P.S. Here's my number just in case 010-xxx-xxxx ♡"_

New's eyes zeroed in on the little heart on the note, beside a cellphone number. He raises his eyebrows. His brain started racking up the possible reasons why Tay would throw the note away. New wants to know what is going on inside his friend's head. Tay seemed to like her company, she was beautiful and as seen in the note, very interested in Tay. _Why did he throw the note away?_

New decided to intervene. It was no use letting his roommate live like this. He decided to stick the note on their refrigerator, pointedly at a spot where Tay will inevitably see it.

The next morning, when Tay stood up to get milk from the fridge for their usual breakfast of cereal and milk, New saw him freeze upon seeing the note on the fridge. Tay frowned and picked up the note staring at it for a while before throwing it away again. He doesn't say anything to New though. Tay left for work earlier that morning even forgetting to prepare lunch for himself as he usually does.

When Tay returned home that night, carrying the usual food from the Chinese restaurant near their place, the note is once again waiting for him, this time at the cork board where he pins all of their bills. Tay swears, not really a habit of his from what New can remember. New waited for the inevitable admonishment from Tay but it never came. The man just kept quiet after his swearing session. Tay quickly throws the note again in the trash bin, and then he moves to tie the garbage bag tightly.

The next morning Tay left for work early without having breakfast with New. Before leaving, he removed the tied up garbage bag from the trash bin and set it next to the door. It was then when New started to wonder if perhaps he was pushing his friend too far, Tay was obviously starting to get upset. He thought about it for a while before finally deciding that NO, he wasn’t pushing Tay too far. This intervention is long overdue. He saw Tay pause in front of Namtan’s door just the other day. Tay stood there for a while and when he started to raise his hand to knock, he suddenly turned away deciding against it, opting to return to their place instead. _Maybe all Tay needs is a small push._

New went outside and was relieved to find that the garbage bag was still there. He carried it back to the apartment and struggled to open it. _What was Tay thinking?_ The way he tied this so tightly one would think he was afraid someone would steal from the trash bag, New thought. Thankfully, New easily finds the note once he was able to open the trash bag. It is now very wrinkled and to be quite frank, a bit dirty but New doesn’t mind. He is doing this for Tay. He hates seeing his friend live with his stupid routines and obvious lack of passion for life. And New believes that maybe Namtan can change that. God knows New tried but all he got was stoic silences and empty stares when he tries to talk to Tay. After securing the note, New retied the trash bag and returned it to the place where Tay left it by the door.

Tay came home early that day. He put down his things and proceeded to take the trash bags to throw them away at the dumpster behind their apartment building. When he got back to the room, he paled upon seeing the note on their refrigerator door again. Tay rubbed his eyes, as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. His eyes lingered on the note for a few minutes. He took the note and staggered towards the couch where he finally lost all strength in his legs.

New sees Tay’s face contort into absolute sadness, and as he furiously wipes at his face New was able to see tears escaping from his eyes. His cries started out as soft muffled sniffing which eventually turned into loud, wailing sobs. New sat next to Tay on the couch feeling distressed as he watched how upset his friend was. Something in his chest ached as he rubbed Tay’s back while the latter seemed like a dam of tears that finally broke.

When Tay’s sobs started to subside and only soft hiccups were left New heard him say in a muffled voice, _“Hin I miss you so much. What would you even think if you knew?”_

Hin. _Hin._ When New heard Tay say that name something in him snapped. It was like a floodgate was opened and suddenly New was bombarded with all these memories, thoughts and emotions.

> _Tay and him, meeting each other for the first time in college. Tay and him, going on their first date which Tay doesn’t like talking about because he tripped over his feet while trying to impress New. Tay and him, staying up until 4 am in the morning, whispering on the phone because the rest of the world was asleep. Tay and him, fighting, no one willing to back down because they both think they are right. Which later ends with them on the couch cuddling and whispering their apologies because they can’t stand being angry at each other for a long time. Going on trips together and talking about their dreams while laying under the stars. Tay looking nervous as hell when he first asked New to move in with him. Until they finally ended up here, in this same apartment._
> 
> _They started building their dreams in this apartment. Tay finally opening his photography studio after spending a huge chunk of his youth saving up to fund it. New developing his love for sweets into something more by working as an apprentice for a well known pastry chef._
> 
> _Their schedules started getting busier but they made sure to have breakfast together every day even if it was only cereal and milk. They also strived to at least squeeze in one date night per week always opting to order from the Chinese restaurant near their apartment. Tay didn’t like the food much but he saw that New loved it so they always ended up ordering from that place. New remembers Tay get him a huge cake for every birthday even if it was only the two of them celebrating it. He remembers eating cake as they snuggled on the couch at their living room laughing at the sitcom playing on tv._
> 
> _New also remembers who he was even before he became Tay’s Hin. He remembers running around and scraping his knee at his mother’s garden. Being excited to go on a sleepover at his friend’s house for the first time. Tasting his first cake and telling himself that this was something he’d love to do in the future. Trips to the beach where he took photos of the sun setting and thought to himself, this is what life should be all about._
> 
> _New also remembers that fateful day, he was walking out of the orphanage after processing some papers. Tay had been not so subtly dropping hints that he wanted to adopt and have children already. New pretends not to catch the hints because he wanted to surprise Tay. He was driving his car home to their apartment when it happened, New remembers being excited to finally tell Tay the good news. They were gonna start building their family together but alas, fate was not that kind to them._
> 
> _New got into an accident on his way home that day. A truck traversing from the opposite direction suddenly encroached on his lane at high speed which caused a high impact collision and between a truck and New’s car, he didn’t really have much of a chance. And, after that New remembered darkness. It was a brief moment of absolute nothingness. He remembered some remaining part of him standing beside Tay who was crying over his body as the latter identified him. Tay’s gut wrenching sobs. New’s heart still ached at the memory._
> 
> _New was there beside Tay at his own funeral. As he watched Tay lose all passion for life, New remembered feeling worry. Who would take care of Tay now? New didn’t want to leave Tay alone. So he stayed. But it was not without repercussions for the longer he chose to linger the more he lost himself. Which was how they got to this point, with New slowly slipping away leaving himself as broken as Tay. His existence starting to become vague even to his own mind._

His memory was triggered by the sound of Tay calling him, 'Hin', but _how much longer before Tay forgets and he loses himself completely?_

They had been everything to each other for the past twelve years. Each other’s reason for being. Through all of the major events in their lives, they had been together. All the milestones and all the setbacks, they had each other’s back. 

Tay was starting to wipe his tears now. New would give anything just to wrap his arms around him and comfort him. But how could he? He didn’t even know what kind of limbo he was in, he was just a part of himself pulled down to Tay by his love for the latter. As Tay starts to compose himself, New sees him glance at the note again. New felt something bloom in his heart. _It was hope_. That note will take Tay back to the world of the living where he should rightfully be.

Because it was only New who passed during the accident that night, and Tay, his beloved sun, he deserves to live his life and experience everything else that the world has to offer him. New drifts away from him. He doesn’t want to let his spirit break from staying there for too long. He knows now what he stands to lose. Staying meant that he might forget again and it was a great relief for him to remember himself, even his death.

As he slips away he takes one more glimpse at Tay. New cannot see the future, but he let himself drown in imagined memories.

> _New sees Tay finally standing up and picking up the phone to make a call. He sees Tay standing in front of Namtan’s door, shyly asking her out on a date. He sees Tay finally living his life again, picking up his old hobbies, learning to love again. New sees the light in Tay’s eyes as he cradles a child in his arms, his first child with Namtan. New hopes the child would have Tay’s smile._

Perhaps in another life, he would be the one to experience that with Tay. The joy of having their children running around the house, of waking up every day next to each other until they realize that they already grew old together. And New moves on.


End file.
